Loudest Tones
by DesolateMoondust
Summary: Time can change a lot of things.
1. A Warning Sign

This can be seen as a stand-alone piece or a follow up from my foregoing Rookie Blue entries – either way, it's a vision of how Gail and Holly may come to pass after 5x07. Enjoy!

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Wednesday night saw Gail outside Holly's front door, shuffling the heavy medical text within her grasp as she idled on the spot, biding her time.

It wasn't like she had planned this; it just sort of unfolded the next morning when she woke up, eyes quick to absorb the book at the end of the bed as she contemplated where to go from here. It was only when she made it home once her shift was complete and laid eyes on it once again that she decided enough was enough.

1) This was no time to be petty.

2) The book belonged to Holly; ergo, she should return it - especially with the hefty price tag and all.

Which happens to lead to:

3) Having to save face and act cordial about returning the book, because that's what grown-ups do - at least that's what she supposed when it concerned two consenting adults who had recently broken up. This wasn't like Chris, or Nick, or any of those that hurt her. She knew she brought this split on herself, and realizes she must own up to it. It's different this time. It's Holly. And so it was time to prove that she could be civil and behave amicably, as she went through the motions of letting Holly go. It was the right thing to do, after all.

And so here she stood, book in hand, eyes studying the door as her foot continued with its incessant tic. She hadn't felt this uneasy in a while, and it was unusual considering this place grew to be such a safe haven for Gail when she was dating Holly.

She could recount numerous nights spent stumbling toward this door, excited to enter for a night of untold delectation with Holly.

Those were the moments Gail knew she belonged somewhere, anywhere, as long as it was with Holly.

But now the townhouse stood as a foreign structure, stripped of all familiarity.

It had been too long, _she_ had been too long, and now all that once had been memorable was no more.

_A warning sign_

_I missed the good part, then I realised_

_I started looking and the bubble burst_

_I started looking for excuses_

"Get a grip, Peck." With a profound sigh, Gail raises her hand and hits on the front door using her signature knock. She wonders momentarily as to whether Holly would remember such a specific idiosyncrasy of hers, before shaking the thought quickly from existence - this was no time to be wistful. She feels her fingers judder before she flexes her hands firmly across the book once more, making sure to present it in front of her person as a means of conversation if all becomes awkward and quiet in ten seconds flat.

Knowing Gail's luck, it will.

The door swings open to reveal a demure looking Holly, who is quick to wrap her arms around her waist in attempt to cover and preserve what dignity she has in plain sight of Gail. It is with a rapid sweep of the eye that Gail determines that Holly must have been heading for bed, what with her black tank top she's sporting and lightly colored shorts - Holly's typical bedroom attire that Gail came to readily adore, for she could still distinguish Holly's form through the fine material – whether to appreciate the valley between her hills, or the way that her hip bones-

"Gail?" Suppose it was neither quick nor subtle after all, seeing as Holly's body language appears more self-conscious, though her eyes seem fairly relaxed with how they are trained on Gail, assessing her quietly. She pushes her glasses back into place as she leans against the door.

_Come on in_

_I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in_

_I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones_

_That I started looking for a warning sign_

"I uh.. Here." Gail thrusts the book out in front of her as she crumbles on the spot. It was painfully tense, or at least that's how Gail perceived this moment - and here she was aiming for casual and aloof. She can't help but feel pitiful with quiet resentment toward not being able to do as she planned. This book was her way of starting a dialogue, of trying to _do_ and _be_ better, and suddenly it's just all over. It was everything, and now it's nothing.

During this lull, Holly regards Gail, her eyes examining the blonde for a cool moment before she gingerly reaches out and accepts the text book.

"Thank you for returning it to me."

"No problem."

"You should come in; it's late, not to mention cold out."

"No, I-"

"Gail, we can do this now or..?"

"Right, yeah, okay." Gail nods her head resolutely before following Holly into the townhouse, closing the door behind her as she watches Holly tread into the kitchen and tentatively place the book down onto the island.

"You know, I actually noticed this book missing yesterday, so you saved me the trip." Holly admits softly as her eyes travel to the lounge, roaming futilely until they latch onto the television set. She considers bringing up the Star Wars incident that shortly followed last night's antics – but decides against it. She returns her gaze to Gail, noting how much closer she appears now, only to watch Gail turn on her heels and take a few strides back.

"Would you like something to drink? It's kinda late, but considering the circumstance-"

"Is it always this awkward?"

"Is what always this awkward?"

"Post break-up talks. I mean, I've had my fair share of breaks-ups, but I've never had to.. Talk. I don't-"

"Gail.."

_When the truth is, I miss you_

_Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so_

"Is it always this hard? Because it feels hard- it feels weird." Holly sighs as she leans back against the island, folding her arms loosely across her chest as she watches Gail pace back and forth lightly, before deciding to stop in the lounge, standing awkwardly near the couch.

Holly soon follows, taking small steps in order to prepare herself for the discussion ahead.

It's only then that she remembers the flowers Lianne had sent tonight.

The flowers on the coffee table.

The flowers that Gail was now staring at intensely.

She can't help the frown that makes its way to her face as she realizes that the coffee table was a stupid place to put them. They had arrived in the late evening, already in a watered vase, with a delivery guy that would not shut up about how sweet they are, and inquiring about who the lucky guy was. Had she not have been so startled by the gift, she would have thought of some clever retort to put him in his place, but like a dazed moron, she muttered her thanks and accepted the flowers.

And the coffee table had been their place of residence ever since.

She hadn't properly looked at the card that was attached, too deep in thought to even let that happen. Because even though she was single, available – she didn't _feel_ it. That's why she had placed them onto the coffee table half-heartedly, that's why she could no longer view the Sunflowers with delight, that's why she was so perplexed for the rest of the entire night.

Because no matter how she saw it, the feeling gnawed deep inside her marrow until it was embedded into her heart like a parasite.

She was not over Gail.

It wasn't even a question anymore.

The flowers felt like a betrayal and everytime she would gaze upon those bright, vivid yellow blooms, all she could see was those dazzling blues – those amazingly beautiful irises that gleamed with so much emotion, that she just wished things would have worked out differently.

Yet what was done was done. She couldn't fix the damage. And no matter how much she still wanted Gail, and was admittedly not _over_ Gail, she knew that the hurt and lasting fear was what kept her away, sound in the knowledge that she was doing the right thing. It was this logic that sought to mend every crease and tear of her heart, even when she wanted nothing more than to let her heart govern her mind – she just wasn't sure it ever would again.

For Gail may have come to the realization that she acted poorly, and even taken credit for it, but it doesn't change anything that has happened. They are still in this predicament due to Gail's force of habit, barriers and insecurities. She pushed until she made sure that Holly was on the outside, and now that she was, she found it difficult to even entertain the thought of being anywhere near, let alone inside Gail's world again.

Gail was right; this was hard - this was weird.

"I should go." Holly looks up to Gail then, noticing the freshly cultured expression, and yet for all her attempts at appearing stoic, Holly could still see the tiny embers of feeling flare in her eyes. It would be hard for anyone to detect if they didn't know exactly what they were looking for, but Holly had at this point in time a pretty good read on her. Thinking back, she had before they were even romantically involved.

But all of those aptitudes were used for something else entirely now. Before, they were used to pick apart all of Gail's wonderful complexities to show just how well they worked to compliment her and complement their relationship. Now it was purely strategic, to pick apart every little nuance like some form of cross examination in order for Holly to either confirm or dismiss the ludicrous thesis that she had helplessly conjured up during their time apart.

It was an analysis she never had to conduct when she was dating Gail, because on some level she knew, but she couldn't quite reconcile with those certainties now. So it came down to this one, imperative question:

Did Gail care?

And in this instance, Holly could see that she did.

"Clearly we don't need to have this conversation. I hope things go well with _Lianne_." She watches Gail storm past her, too fast for her to act, but she feels herself call out.

"Gail." The quiet request seems to stop Gail by the door, though she remains with her back to Holly. She watches as Gail quivers, her tense form battling to compose itself, as if willing to appear like she's not affected, even though they both know that she was.

"I- I am sorry, Holly. This- I know this is on me, and I accept that. I should have stayed, I should have listened, should have talked, _should have.. _I didn't though. And as much as I was right about saying I was a brat, what I really am- what I really failed to see, is that I am a coward. I run. I run before I'm left - but I never wanted to. Looking back now, I never wanted this. I was scared. I was a brat. I was a coward." Gail turns around then, forcing herself to look at Holly who seems to be staring real hard, concentrating on the form before her - analyzing as always with her smart brain. This makes Gail smile slightly before she exhales softly. She takes a timid step toward Holly, feeling awkward but knowing she has to continue.

_A warning sign_

_It came back to haunt me, and I realised_

_That you were an island and I passed you by_

_And you were an island to discover_

"You made me realize that. So.. As much as this sucks, and it really _does_ suck, I'm glad that I'm learning now. I won't make this mistake again. If I've learned one thing from this, is that I should never have run from you, Hol."

_When the truth is, I miss you_

_Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so_

Holly's eyes darken as she observes Gail, listening to and feeling every word that comes out of her mouth - words that seem to be overwhelming her to the core. She watches as Gail takes a few more steps toward to her, noting how the distance is thinning, and that Gail is fast becoming the only thing she can see.

Who is she kidding; she is _always_ the only thing she sees.

"We may be over now, but you still matter to me. You matter in my life. You've changed it for the better. And even though I hate how it worked out and that I hurt you, I wouldn't change it. I mean, I would change the last part if I could- I _really_ wish I could, but what I mean is, if I could go back to that interrogation room and to the moment I kissed you, I would do it all over again. I wouldn't take a second of what we had back, Holly. Not one second." Gail stands before Holly, realizing that this may very well be the last time that they will speak openly about what they were, and a part of her breaks. She closes her eyes momentarily, trying to collect her bearings, knowing that they were here because of her lack of activity, lack of belief and lack of prowess.

And maybe it was a good thing.

With this thought, Gail opens her eyes and offers Holly a small but genuine smile.

"I hope Lianne makes you happier than I ever could. You deserve the best and then some."

Holly remains quiet, if not terribly torn as she gazes at Gail, unshed tears glistening in her eyes before they make their descent down her face. Her lip trembles slightly as she tries to formulate a coherent sentence that could be spoken to Gail – anything that could suspend this moment for just a second longer.

Gail must read her mind, because she's moving closer to her, so close that she can feel her body breathe against hers. At this contact, Holly can't help but close her eyes; longing, waiting, and hoping for something momentous to happen.

And it does, in the form of Gail pressing gently on Holly's glasses until they are back on the bridge of her nose. It's so tender that Holly can't help but exhale shakily under her breath, her lids fluttering at the slightest contact that was made on her skin.

She then progresses to her cheeks to tenderly wipe away the tears.

Yet before Holly can grow comfortable with the contact, the proximity is gone, and so too, is the touch.

_And I'm tired, I should not have let you go_

"Take care." Holly forces her eyes open just as Gail is turning away, and instinctively finds herself reaching out and grasping Gail's wrist. It halts Gail in place, be it with a bewildered, lost look.

"Just.." She mutters hoarsely, startled by how affected she has become as she tries to breathe normally, her eyes locking with Gail's.

"Stay."

_So I crawl back into your open arms_

_Yes I crawl back into your open arms_

Wednesday night saw Gail outside Holly's front door, shuffling the heavy medical text within her grasp as she idled on the spot, biding her time.

She could recount numerous nights spent stumbling toward this door, excited to enter for a night of untold delectation with Holly.

Those were the moments Gail knew she belonged somewhere, anywhere, as long as it was with Holly.

* * *

Apologies as always for the grammatical errors and such. The lyrics used are from the song Warning Sign by Coldplay, if you were wondering. I remembered this gem of a song and it seemed to encapsulate the passion and longing between these two, so I thought it worked well with this piece.


	2. Living Room Confessions

**Loudest Tones was supposed to be a one-shot thing, but somehow the words just kept on coming, and so this is a continuation from the first part. I don't think I'll write another follow-up, so I'll just leave this as a two-part story now.**

**Just a quick thanks to those that have read, reviewed, followed/favourited - you guys are awesome :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Rookie Blue, or it's characters, etc etc. Makes me sad. Grammatical errors also make me sad, so just ignore them.**

* * *

So she does.

She remains standing in Holly's living room, attempting to fathom how this conversation went from 'goodbye, take care' to 'wait, stay'.

Not that Gail's complaining, that is.

But she's becoming acutely aware of the fact that with every passing second, Holly's fingertips linger knowingly on her wrist. And it's beginning to overwhelm her, this proximity – this presence which she resigned to let go of not moments before, because she had to. But now, now she was unable to move. And all because of this small caress.

This slight touch that anchored her to this possibility that maybe, just maybe, all things weren't lost.

It's a possibility that is soon torn from her when Holly finally relinquishes her grip, sighing as she lowers her gaze from Gail, deciding to take a step back from her. It causes Gail to advert her eyes too, only for them to fall mindlessly upon the bouquet on the coffee table instead.

And suddenly it makes sense.

Maybe, just maybe, Holly wanted to have _her_ say before she left.

"Thought the hard part was over." She snickers under her breath, recognizing the sheer naivety of her conjecture thanks to the bunch of Sunflowers looking right back at her.

"But, I guess this is what I deserve, right? I say my peace; it's only fair I hear yours." Gail inhales sharply in effort to calm her nerves as she dares to face this head on - but the satire runs deep in this one.

"So, Lianne, eh? Your _someone_ someone. She sounds like a keeper." She disparages as her eyes finally stray from the Sunflowers to glower at Holly.

"Gail." The terse response prompts Gail to internally chastise herself, if only because she didn't want to behave like this in front of Holly. If only because this wasn't how she had imagined this night going. If only because, really, it hurt. She doesn't want to hear about how Holly has moved on, because a part of her is desperate to just fight for her, to try harder, to _be_ better.

For all her strides and small victories, she knows that unfortunately she has a long way to go until she _is_ better.

"You know, I said all I had to say and I _hate_ to talk. You make me talk. You've made me _want_ to talk. So much talking." Her words generate a tiny grin from Holly as she runs her hands futilely over her thighs, attempting to shield the skin on display in hopes of feeling less vulnerable than she already does.

"Sophie likes to talk. Asks all the right questions, too. She's smart like that. Reminds me of you sometimes. Inquisitive."

"Sophie?"

"This kid." Holly watches as Gail inadvertently brightens up, her features softening as she thinks about this child in question.

"One day she woke up with a mother, and then the following day, she was gone. Erased, just like that. She was her whole world. And I couldn't- I couldn't just see this as a case. She's not a generic description in some documents in a cabinet or a random name on a clipboard. She has a face, she has heart, and she feels _so_ much. And life does this to her?" Holly can't move from where she stands, gazing ardently at Gail who just shakes her head avidly, trying to make sense of it all as she takes a step away from her. Only then does Holly feel compelled to move with her, following as Gail leads them to the center of the living room.

"You may be the most wonderful person I've ever met, but she.. She's definitely the most beautiful. I mean, I can't even try to imagine how she can wake up every day, but she does. And she smiles, _a lot_. She's so warm. And when you know her - when she lets you see her - it's like this gift she's imparting on you. She makes things better, tolerable, brighter." Holly watches her move near the couch, eyes following as she leans on the armrest as Holly stops a few feet away, sensing that it's the right thing to do in Gail's wavering disposition.

She can't quite believe that this is happening, that Gail is consciously choosing to open up to her – to finally communicate.

It surely feels like a blessing.

So Holly stays silent, letting her ears do most of the work as she wraps her arms loosely around her frame in attempt to carry her body through the motions. She feels tired, but this – this was progress. And like hell was she going to shut Gail down.

Holly recognizes that this was an insight not many would be privy to. And so in this moment, it doesn't matter that they weren't together anymore – what mattered was that Gail was speaking to her, and being honest about how she was feeling.

In all truthfulness, she was honored to listen to her speak.

"Sometimes she's the only person who can set fire to my dark and leave a blaze in its wake. Those days don't seem so bad at all. Not so empty, not so monotonous." Gail opts to gaze up at Holly then, to allow her to see the entirety of her jaded self. She just pours everything into looking, into being as exposed as she can be, because Holly is looking right back.

"And if she can do this, if she can be so open and unafraid, then why can't I?" She exhales then, and looks down, feeling exhausted by her admission. She feels restless as she places her head in her hands, needing a reprieve from it all until she feels herself laugh, almost bitterly. She pulls her hands away and looks to the floor.

"I don't know why I'm saying all of this, I know that I'm- I left everything too late. I avoided the situation until there was nothing to fix. I just.. I'm sorry. You're always this together and awesome person, and I just couldn't bring myself to stick around and figure it out. I pressed the self-destruct button because I was scared. And it's a mistake I have to live with." She looks up briefly before exhaling heavily and shaking her head, glancing back to the floor.

"You are only person who cared about me, who really gave a damn; you stayed and never once perceived me as broken. You never saw me that way, not until what I did to us."

"Gail, I don't see you as broken because you're not. We both know that you feel more than you let on. It's your approach to communication that leaves a lot to be desired."

"Understatement of the century, Lunchbox." Gail bites, rubbing at her temples as Holly fights the urge to eliminate the space between them and massage them herself.

"Well it needs to be said. I'm big on communication, as evidenced with my attempts to contact you multiple times."

"I know, Hol. I know.. I did try. I have so many messages in my drafts, it's ridiculous. Not to mention the emails, or how many times I've purposely driven down this street like a weirdo. I said I was a coward, Holly." She utters dejectedly, pushing from the couch to stand up once again and look at Holly, even though her bones feel restless and weary.

"A coward is a quitter, Gail. And from what I see, you're still here."

"Only because you asked me to stay."

"Your words warranted my appeal."

"Even though I said everything that needed to be said?"

"You didn't say everything; you never spoke about Sophie."

"That's because we're- well, I don't know. We're not together anymore; I don't see why you would want to know about her." She shrugs as she dithers on the spot, trying to meet Holly's eye but failing to do so. This only causes Holly to sigh lightly as she watches Gail struggle with herself.

"I want to listen because it matters to you."

"But we're-"

"I still care, Gail. This isn't easy. It's not like I can just cut you out of my life."

"Right, because our professions overlap."

"No, because you're in it now – in whatever _this_ shape is right here – you're in it, even when you're not around."

"And what about your _someone_? Does she not have her own _Lianne_ shape carved in your life?"

"Lianne… She.. It's complicated."

"But you're in a relationship with her, the whole nine yards from the looks of it. Flowers-"

"I went out with Lianne on a couple dates. The term 'relationship' is stretching it a bit, don't you think?"

"But you're seeing her." This coerces Holly to look away and start pacing the room, trying to correlate all that has happened with everything that's being said now.

"I am- was. I don't know."

"She sent you flowers."

"I know."

"Sunflowers."

"Yes Gail, I'm aware."

"They're not your favorite though." The statement causes Holly to stop wandering and turn in time to witness Gail crash down onto the couch, directing her eyes conveniently toward the blooms as she makes herself comfortable on the plush sofa. She knows Gail can sense her as she continues to focus on the Sunflowers, eying them assiduously like they're this magnificent spectacle she can't quite get enough of.

She slowly recollects the words spoken from before, and finds herself squaring up to Gail from the little space marked between them, waiting patiently for her to elaborate. She doesn't have to wait long.

"I'm sure you brought it up with her. And she listened, she listened closely enough and she'll think she got it right, but she hasn't. You know how I know these aren't your favorite?" Holly shakes her head, as she tries to comprehend what is unfolding before her. She watches Gail lean forward and tentatively pick at one of the Sunflowers, making sure to handle it with great care as she pulls it out from the bunch.

"Because even though you're a sucker for Gogh's work, they don't bring you joy." Gail plays with the stem for a moment, twirling the flower around contemplatively until she halts the motion all together and chances a glance at Holly.

"Sunflowers are undoubtedly beautiful, but you associate them with death. And you work with death every day. So everytime you see them, you're reminded of the paintings, showcasing the existence and passing of said Sunflowers. It makes you appreciate life, but also resent death. And flowers to you are just that, aren't they? At least the ones that have been cut up and organized in some fancy florist, only to be shipped off and forgotten about like the thousands they sort through every day. Sure, they'll get their five minutes of glory, but they'll eventually wither." She looks back to the Sunflower and smiles slightly at it.

"No, you appreciate life, so you would never want Sunflowers. But above all else, you wouldn't want them cut up only to watch them die. You're too thoughtful like that." Gail then places the Sunflower onto the coffee table, the flower facing Holly as she fiddles with the stem.

"You appreciate plants, something you can help maintain and grow." Gail rolls her eyes at this as she lets go of the Sunflower and folds her arms across her chest.

"She got color scheme right, I'll give her that. But clearly she wasn't listening when you told her about that poem. I still remember how riveted you were- I mean, it's just clouds and daffodils, but you were so mesmerized when you read that poem to me. Wordsworth, if I'm not mistaken?" Holly watches Gail in disbelief as she flexes and exhales on the couch, as if she hadn't just said something remarkably poignant.

"Yeah." It's all Holly can say as she continues to stare at her incredibly, until Gail dares to finally meet her eye again.

"There were times, like when you read that poem out loud for instance; you lit my world up just like Sophie does. Made me calm, made me brave, just by being you – all just by allowing me to see you. I miss those times." Her eyes fall to the lone Sunflower then, as she tries to breathe through yet another wave of pain from viewing it. She feels her jaw clench as she picks it up and puts it back into the vase, if only to preserve it's life for a little while longer.

She never held much thought for Sunflowers before this moment, having only vaguely considered them because of Holly's interest for them. But now it's like she can't stop remembering certain things about them, and viewing them in a certain light. In regards to Van Gogh, and that one particular painting in question, with it's withered blooms. It's like somehow, they seem to signify their end - and the realization makes her stomach drop. The rise and fall of these flowers represent their relationship, scarily enough. And it hurts that much more knowing this fact happens to be reinforced by the existence of the paintings.

Gail lifts her eyes when she notices Holly seize the vase and softly put it down onto the floor before gingerly sitting down onto the coffee table in front of her. Her fingers itch to reach out and hold her hand, but she watches helplessly as Holly places her hands onto her lap and straightens up.

"You know, that's how it was for me too. When you would speak to me, that's exactly how I felt."

"Then I ruined it."

"We both ruined it."

"I walked out the door."

"And I never spoke up when Lisa was saying those things about you. I deflected; it's how I cope with Lisa when she's going off on one. Maybe I should of warned you- but, I digress.. I didn't feel it right to speak to her about how serious I was feeling about you when we had yet to even have that conversation. I was just waiting for the right time to speak to you about us. I was never worried, not really. I never doubted. I was certain that I knew how you felt about me. But you took Lisa's words and used them against me. You created your emergency exit, and took with you all my convictions." Holly sighs softly as she tries to remain calm; registering the way Gail seems to be deflating on the spot, almost willing for her body to fold in on itself as she avoids eye contact. But she knows that she is listening, she's receiving her words and that's enough.

"We're both partly to blame for what's happened. But, we're speaking now. And it may have escaped your notice, but _you're_ the one who instigated this conversation." Holly then decides to reach out and grasp Gail's hand, understanding that this was bound to be challenging for her, and that she was trying her best to be honest and communicate with her.

"You came here through your own doing, and I know how hard it can be for you to talk about these things, so I'm grateful."

"Well, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean you deserve to be treated like this. It was the right thing to do, even if it took a while for me to do it."

"But you have, and I appreciate it."

"You deserve someone who knows not to buy you Sunflowers." Holly looks down then, ready to pull her hand away, but Gail holds on that much tighter, gripping until Holly returns her gaze.

"I'm not saying that's me, clearly I have issues to work through that means I can't really commit to a relationship right now. _And_ I realize that's bit presumptuous, because it's not like you would consider me again, but.. You deserve someone who knows you, Holly; someone who can treat you in all the right ways that you deserve." Holly looks back down to their entwined hands, and can't help but squeeze in quiet disappointment as she mutters.

"I wanted that person to be you, Gail."

"I really wish it could be. None of that's changed- none of what I feel has changed, but I'm not.. This isn't right. I'm not right for you, not right now."

"No, I know that. And I don't think we could right now even if we tried."

"I can't ask you to wait for me while I figure things out."

"No, you can't."

"I just… I need you close, Holly. You're the closest I've been to being close to anyone. I don't want to lose that. Please say I haven't lost that."

"You haven't, _we_ haven't. But things are different."

"Yeah, they are. I'm sorry I'm fucked up." She admits bluntly as she gazes at Holly, tears collecting in her eyes as she watches Holly breathe in heavily, trying keep her composure. But the moment she looks at Gail, she can't help but tilt her head and frown, eyes glistening too.

"You're not fucked up, Gail. You're just you: formidable, exceptional you. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise." Gail can feel the tears fall down her cheeks as she stares at Holly, and for the first time in her life, she doesn't feel the shame that comes with such an expression. Instead, she tries to smile, grimacing slightly as she feels the loss of a relationship that never truly was. She allows herself to grieve in plain sight of Holly, safe in the knowledge that she is right there with her, lamenting too.

Before Holly can do anything to console the blonde officer, Gail lets go of her hand in favor of leaning forward and collapsing into Holly's front. She feels Gail's weight press against her, and she can't help but instinctively encircle her arms around her midsection, securing her in place as she tries to breathe through the array of emotions overwhelming her senses.

She feels Gail's head twist until she's in the crook of her neck, and finds the air immediately pulled from her lungs at the contact. It's only as they settle into the embrace that Holly can start to breathe again, thanks to the oxygen that Gail supplies.

Holly knows that Gail is the only person who has been able to successfully do this to her - the only one in her history to solely draw and impart breath, to bite and soothe, and to leave and return. She's not quite sure where it begins or where it ends, but she knows that whatever happens, they're in this together.

"I hope things can work out between us, in whichever way they can, because I need you in my life. I need a friend. And I hope I can be a friend too- I hope I can be that for you." She nuzzles into Holly's shoulder, holding on tight, trying to remember the way that she feels as she prepares herself for the long road ahead.

"I'll always be here, Gail. I'm not going anywhere."

"I believe you." She feels soft lips press against the side of her head as she closes her eyes, salvaging this moment and committing it to mind, body and heart. She feels safe here, she feels like herself, but she knows it's not enough – not when she can't provide those things for herself. She has to work through the layers; she has to be brave enough to embark on this journey in order to face the issues and complexities that impact her life in all the ways she has yet to even acknowledge. And as much as it scares her, if she's being honest, she feels like it's time - she feels like it's happening already.

She doesn't know how long they remain in the embrace for, just holding each other close, but what she does know is Holly asked her to stay.

So she does.


	3. Transatlanticism

_The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your_

_Door have been silenced forevermore_

_And the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row;_

_It seems farther than ever before (oh no)_

Time can change a lot of things.

The large things are obvious, and somehow the most seamless. Like becoming a TO. Its a huge deal — the biggest to date — and Gail takes it in her stride, accepts the responsibility and flourishes. There was no doubt, really.

The second to date would be finding her own place, creating her own space to inhabit and root, is a wonder in and of itself: rooms to fill and decorate, to colour and exist and grow; learn and sleep and eat.

Another would be watching those she care about form bonds and settle down. There's always the monthly meet up. If the weather fairs, then a barbecue or picnic. Its always nice to see her friends and relatives together, with an ear out on new additions and future offsprings. Even keeping tabs on Sophie who had since found a foster home and was doing so much better than before.

Time really enables life to move forward in many ways, whether on a chosen path or not. It can heal wounds or leave them open; its decisively up to whether growth can be harnessed and experienced; achieved. And so to have Holly be a firm fixture in this new world, this progressive reality, is nothing short of a blessing for Gail. She had hoped from the very moment she uttered the words _I believe you_, Holly would prove true, a constant. And judging by the way her friend is making a beeline for her at the Penny, she's proven herself to be reliable.

And its lamenting on this small detail which prompts her to think, to feel. To register the heart beating in her chest at the idea of Holly.

_I need you so much closer._

How did she get here so fast? How did everything become this way, without her knowing? How did she..

"Gail?"

Its always the small things which make the most impact, that grow until it gets under the skin. It festers away and spreads until one day it implodes in on itself. Small things like a hand on the waist. Small things like eyes silently questioning. Small things like—

"Honey?"

How did they get to be so familiar without being intimate? Except they are, perhaps not in a sexual way but mentally, physically sometimes — however innocuously — it counts. It has meaning. Tiny impacts compile to form into a mighty realisation.

Gail raises her hand to rest on Holly's arm, effortlessly trailing along familiar skin until she squeezes her shoulder, enamoured with the feeling, the feeling of Holly.

"I'm glad you're here."

"There's nowhere else I would be." The curve of her lips, the sparkle in her eyes, the ambience of the evening, it all collates into this bright explosion. She tries to defuse the feeling by deflecting entirely.

"Is that right?"

The stillness causes Gail to eventually look up and meet Holly's gaze head-on, the warmth simmers throughout her body as a result.

And she knows then this is it.

_Fuck._

"Of course. What's up?"

She continues to watch whilst Holly entwines her fingers through Gail's and brings their clasped hands down by their sides.

"I think we've been fooling ourselves, Hol." Though she doesn't actually feel it she witnesses the plummet the second realisation reaches Holly's eyes and as a consequence, watches them sharpen with uncertainty.

"What do you mean?" The loss of contact gives pause to Gail's thoughts for a moment, missing their connection almost immediately. Its only when Holly steps into the space between them that Gail recognises her hand is now forming a tight fist — one which Holly is quick to enclose around her hands and soften with smooth strokes.

There's strength in being vulnerable, in owning whatever truth may surge into the light of day.

_I need you so much closer._

"I've been trying to fix everything that's defective, to find out what's wrong with me— to be better. And maybe I've done some good things, maybe this version of me is an improvement? I'm conscious of my behaviour now more than ever but the one thing I've never done is love myself, not until I met you."

Gail plies her hand away from Holly's slacking grip and stares defiantly into her eyes, needing to get the message across.

"Which sounds so cliche but whatever. Having you around has made me accept all the parts of me I loathed. I hid behind so much bitterness because everyone couldn't see I tried so hard to be normal that it made me miserable. Then I met you and it stopped. I was me and that was enough, its enough. And its okay, its okay to be shitty and sardonic because I'm human and the only person who's opinion I care about is yours. I care for you _so_ much, Holly."

She can see the conflict, the struggle churning inside, and she wants nothing more than to reach out and touch her. To alleviate the tension she's brought to the surface but Gail knows better than to. She knows this is something she needs to dispel; realises this is something Holly needs to see to believe.

"And I know, I know there's every chance it won't work, that I might fuck up again or you might choose to leave but I want to try this. I want us. We've been through so much as friends, supporting each other through the worst crap and through some of the best memories I've ever made. We owe it to each other to try this again because I'm ready, I've been ready for a while now, and I think you know."

_So come on._

"I don't know, Gail.."

If there's any way of reaching Holly its through the brutal language of honesty, and she acknowledges as such. She knows she has to persist until it makes sense.

"I still remember that night, Hol. It was a Wednesday. My heart felt like it was on fire the moment I heard about Lianne, which in hindsight is stupid but I was jealous because I thought she could offer you something I couldn't. But what took me a while to learn was that what we have, Holly, is not rare but different. Its more. We're not the same— heck based on our interests we're not even compatible— but we _click_, we make each other more than we are, and accept each other for what we're not. We're open with each other, and make each other laugh until there's no sound left and its true and beautiful and I'm not like this with anyone else."

"This is a.. lot to take in." She catches her words over the music and shakes her head, not believing her.

"Is it? I mean, I know I don't say as much but surely you know; you know how I feel cause I know how you feel."

She watches Holly waver, hesitate. The wall is still up but falling slowly.

_So come on,_

_Come on._

Gail reaches out, grasping Holly's hands. She holds firm, watching the loud tones echo until it all disintegrates, and what remains is something worthwhile. The calm in Holly's eyes; the safety carved from experience. To have begun broken in a living room to this moment now where happiness is brimming and waiting, its everything.

They have come so far.

Only one more hurdle stands in her way. She tugs Holly close as a result, wanting to eliminate all doubt, and breathes.

"You told me that night to stay, and I did. Now I'm asking you to do the same."

This is it.

All tides have been pacing for this impact and Gail is ready.

"You're.. Still formidable, exceptional you." The smile blooms so bright Gail can hardly believe this is real. And judging by the Holly encircles her waist with her arms, great minds think alike.

"Well, some things don't change."

Time can change a lot of things.

The large things are obvious, and somehow the most seamless. Its always the small things which make the most impact, that grow until it gets under the skin. It festers away and spreads until one day it implodes in on itself.

And sometimes those are the most wonderful.

* * *

Song is Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism.


End file.
